I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i drank out of a bidet.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
