Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
