He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Come on in and take your pants off
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