My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
