My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
