I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
