The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
