i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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