I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
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