So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
