We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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