i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
