i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
