I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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