So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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