im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
There r osticjed everywhere
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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