Got a toothbrush?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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