I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
