Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I want a musical about memes.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
