he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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