I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
