If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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