Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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