I heard we made out
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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