guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
