capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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