No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
