so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
