OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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