i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Randomize
