this boner is exhausting
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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