I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
