so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
