i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
