You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
