For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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