I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
