Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
