We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
