Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
