I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
