the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
