the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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