I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
