Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
