god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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