his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Found the puke drawer
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
