he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Why can't burritos get me drunk
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
