1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
