the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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