i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
