mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
