I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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